Countdown to channel 1, which is mostly static

 

When you smoke the quantity and quality of weed I do, you find yourself quite frequently in front of the tv with absolutely no idea how you got there. Sometimes, as you’re coming down, you may even start to pay attention to what’s on the screen. Last week it happened to me and this is what I saw:

 

 

 

Disney : An 11 year old girl in a mini skirt riding a mechanical bull

 

E!:  Hehe…Gay people are funny….

 

Bravo: Wait…no their not…

 

Sci fi: If someone dies…is that a good, or a bad reality show? When’s Battlestar on again?

               

TV land: Did he just say nigger? Archie!

 

Comedy Central:  Something depressing.

 

Discovery: Whatever happened to animals fucking!?

 

TLC: Wait a minute! That family already had nice things!!!

 

Nickelodian: Skateboard + Electric Guitar + Honeycomb = …I’m still trying to figure this out.

 

A&E: “Hitler 3D: The untold story IN YOUR FACE!”. Who knew a World War could be so exciting!

 

MSNBC – It was just Keith Olbermann Jerking himself off

 

CNN – Oh, you know. Anderson Cooper. Jerking himself off.

 

FOX  - Colmes….Jerkin’ off Hannity…poor Colmes

 

MTV – If they’re all reading from a teleprompter…is that a good, or a bad reality show? When’s…wait, everything on this channel sucks.

 

Family – Crazy! Sabrina the Teenage Witch is still working!

 

USA: A procedural that somehow makes me feel less like killing my husband.

 

Cartoon network – Was that cartoon speakin’ Mexican! Fuckin’ Obama!

 

PBS: I think Bill Nye gave those kids some drugs.

 

FOX – Score! Simpsons rerun!

 

ABC – What if all in the family had no message? And Edith was attractive in a WEIRD way!

 

NBC – Oh, wow! That crappy commercial with the band singing about how much more important 

 

Lifetime – That chick from that one 80’s movie, demonstrating why she hasn’t worked in 20 years.

 

CW - African Americans

 

WB – Caucasian Americans

 

CBS - "How I met Your Mother" cancells out whatever crap I'm watching now. Oh, chicks from that show. I love yall!

Slug Life: "What's a man's reward for buying a $500 dollar outfit?"

Towards the end of the most recent summer I spent a little time rooming with a friend of mine named George Booker. He's one of those mysterious artsy types and he writes a mean music review. Since I left, he has been unable to find his diary...cuz I stole it. I'm going to post a bunch of the entries over the next few whatevers, so in honor of his one billionth post, here's June 5th:

June 5th 2008

Dear Diary,

What do you get when you spend $500 on an outfit? What's the special bonus reward for dropping that much bank in one place at one time. Macy's gives you champagne, at the Bunnyranch you get free hand relief. What about Express Men or Fitch? I feel like today answered that question for me and you're way easier to talk to then Ty, so I'll tell you about it. 

I woke up early, at around two-ish, and smoked my 4th cigarette of the morning. I usually smoke about 3 in my sleep. I should quit but due to a uniquely low energy level my doctor says that if I do my heart will simply stop beating.  It happened once when I was seven. I didn't notice as I was discussing Herbie Hancock with a fellow 7 year old, cigarette smoking Jazz fan. When we were done talking I checked into the E.R where they told me I had been clinically dead for 30 minutes.  Nobody'd noticed. 

I stood naked in front of my full length mirror. For the last 15 years I've attempted to summon Candyman at least once every morning. Again nothing. There's got to be a better way to make friends. I noticed nothing remarkable about my physical appearance so I put another check mark on my wall.

At 3 I wiped the bird shit off my window and left the house to start a rewarding day of unskilled labor. Last month, I was lucky enough to land a job as a poser for the city of Virginia Beach. All I have to do is stand around in politically themed pinback buttons and band T-shirts trying to persuade tourists that this area has some culture. "I spray paint public buildings!" I scream. Makes me feel powerful! 

Today I saw a dude putting ice cream in his kid. It made me think of life, love and youth. I had a young lover when I was in high school. She was in middle school. We used to have this little game we’d play where I was her daddy and she was my mean little girl. I would say things like, “I gave you that hymen I can take it away!” Then we'd laugh and laugh. Then she'd cry. 

If I have one regret coming out of that relationship it's that I didn't tape us doin' it. I should have taped the sex we had. Like, video footage of having intercourse is what I'm saying. It would probably sell like hotcakes in Japan; although, come to think of it, with the exchange rate it would only come out to like half-a hotcake. 

Like a movie, but it's us doin' it! 

After work my cell phone reminded me there was a party: Brendand's Annual Summer Beach Side Bash. I checked my closet for something to wear. I certainly have a lot of robes! Realizing my gear couldn't hold up to the standards of a bash of this magnitude,  I decided to check out the mall. Buy a new robe or something.  

I went down to "FAST" to grab some designer grade gear. $500 later the Sales lady said I looked kinda okay in the outfit I selected. A assured her she was flattering me and her flattery wouldn't get her anywhere. It was obvious by my tone that it would.  I was proud of the ensemble; a crisp pair of jeans, a sporty shirt, a leather jacket and one of those old timey Chicago gangster hats. I've often fantasized about moving up to Chicago. I want to open up a life insurance company that exclusively serves Chicago gangsters. I'll call it "Thug Life". Bloods and Crips could take out insurance policies on their recruits at a low premium with a high benefit. The catch? They'd have to introduce me to Oprah at one of those "Chi-town niggas who didn't make it" meetings. After wowing her with my wit and seducing her with my charm, I'll get the "I fucked Oprah" gift basket which includes a Prius, a half scaled model of her vagina, 100,000 dollars cash, and Dr.Phil's new book, "See That Twinky? No, Don't Eat it; Just Look at It. Good Job Fatty, That's Step One". I'll buy a car and drive to California with Common and Kanye to start my very own rap group. Lil' B and the Lil' Youngins. It'll be Krunk with a Latin flair. Dirty Southwest. It'll Kick ass.

I Pick up my friend Ronnie and drive to Brendan's beach side bungalow. 

The bungalow is on stilts and two of those stick straight out of the Chesapeake Bay. I'm so scared the house is going to fall in it's hard for me to keep an erection. There was a lot of sausage at the party; cheese and crackers and such. There were a lot of dudes too.

I gave the host one of those daphug things.

I acted excited to see people I barely remember.

I did shots with a guy I think was retarded.

I met a girl and she talked for a while. 

I threw up over Brendan's porch railing onto a seagull. Paybacks a Bitch. I drive Ronnie home around 3. He invites me upstairs to his apartment where I have a cup of tea, chat about the weather, wait till he's asleep, creep in the sisters room and make her night. If you catch my drift.

Doin' it.  

So what's the prize at the end of a $500 shopping receipt at FAST? Well, after a long day like that; one that started quite simply (waking up) and turned pretty eventful (like that part where I got laid. Kinda just, worked its way in there at the end.) I'd have to say the answer is...pussy. And I guess, when you think about it, that's pretty darned awesome! Yep, you can't put a price on that. It's the law. 

Crossword #1 "Tasteword"

print it out or something. gotta get drunk and high and shit; you know.

oh, and read this in 24 Seven Cities rag too. 

Across

1. "The ___ Bus" A very successful series of 39-across'

5. Nickname of former WCW star “The Maestro”

9. "Now ___ theatre near you!"

12. Sundae topper, perhaps

13. If you're cool, spike the punch at this event

14. The Erotic Review acronym

15. "Sierra ___", not as good as 7 up

16. Accepting again

18. Sweet yeasty cookie from the Bath area of England

20. "Siddhartha" author

21. "Star Trek" rank: Abbr.

22. More than one rectum

24. Mother of omlettes

25. "___ yah!" karate chop!!

26. Hello, if you're pressed for time

27. Uric acid buildup

28. Connects a comedian to his audience

32. Serves ice cream

34. How the back of a Hardee's smells, slangily

35. What you call the love of your life after she breaks your heart

37. With 35-across, a cheap cake-like product

38. Barely get, with "out"

39. Pathetic attempt, "Zach and Miri Make a ____"

41. The stick you hit him over the head with when he hits on your baby's mother at the bar

44. Santa ____

46. the new ____, where event "Substance" is held every Tuesday in the Norfolk, VA area (and if you don't know, now you know)

48. Brownie ingredient

50. Creep

51. Abbr. on a bank statement

52. Former senator from Mississippi Trent ____

53. _____ Kiley

54. Infomercials, e.g.

55. like a maze

56. Cards you may have up your sleeve

 

Down

1. An ice-cream dessert frozen in a spherical mold

2. Very often describes a member of 25-down

3. Former home of your deviled egg

4. Emo kids older sibling

5. The first pickings of asparagus

6. Channel

7. "Baloney!" in English speak

8. Hometown of a famous mail order steak company

9. British for "achoo!"

10. Get all stiff

11. Silvers to the French

17. Latin American internet slang for "what"

19. French soft cheese

23. "___ the season ..."

25. Founded in 1865 by civil war vets

27. "giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, ___"

28. Class of material that built the Pantheon in Rome

29. Bay area city

30. Moving a rubber tree plant was this things struggle?

31. Density symbol

33. A waxy alcohol found in cell membranes abbr.

36. That weird soda from 10 years ago

39. Church song

40. Feeling ready to roost

41. Has the form of a cone

42. "I give up!"

43. Character

45. Spanish a, masculine

47. Sorvino of the movie "Quiz Show"

49. A whore scarf

Top 7 #1

Here are some of my favorite cheap places to eat in Norfolk, Virginia and surrounding areas. Read all this plus a special bonus sentance in the upcoming Taste issue of 24seven cities magazine available all over the Hampton Roads area (the New York City of the East Coast).

MIZSION: 650 

Kins Wok

7645 Granby Street, Norfolk, VA 23505

(757) 423-2828

Located on a remarkably eclectic strip mall, Kins wok is probably the freshest tasting and cheapest Chinese food I’ve ever eaten. 

Dish of choice: General Tso’s Chicken lunch special. Despite what’s been said about him General Tso was remarkably brave and if you can match his mettle and order it extra spicy, you’ll be in for a real treat. This is one of the more expensive lunch specials at a whopping $4.95 and that includes tax, fried rice and your choice of soup or soda.

Del Vecchio’s

1080 W 47th Street, Norfolk, VA 23508

(757) 440-9300

By far the most famous cheap eat on the menu. Ask any ODU student where the bargains are and he or she will point you to Del Vecchio’s. Here they are well known for serving up Don Corleone quality pizza at Fredo prices. 

Dish of choice: Sausage Slice. The sausage is packed with fennel! Also, the sauce is well spiced and in perfect ratio to their thin yet chewy crust. Every day between 2 and 5 all slices are just a dollar. Tax included.

Bayside Inn.

2104 Pleasure House Road, Virginia Beach, VA 23455

(757) 460-1593

 

If you’re in the mood for a dive bar, stop in to this hole-in-the-wall Vietnamese owned redneck bar. Say hello to their full cast of colorful regulars from shady rednecks to misanthropic youth and anyone trying to tie on a serious buzz.

 

Dish of choice: The Traditional Philly Cheesesteak. Best served with a cold PBR. 

Great Saigon

5802 E Virginia Beach Boulevard, Norfolk, VA 23502

(757) 455-5149

 

Although the low priced dishes can reach as high as $7.00, they come in practically inedibly large portions. Smells like victory! And cumin.

 

Dish of choice: The curried shrimp lunch special was just awesome! The sauce is peppery and thick like a good pork gravy but with all the exotic flavors of the east and just a touch of the sea. It comes with crabmeat soup and a huge soft spring roll for $7.00, tax included.   

Mojito

300 28th Street, Virginia Beach, VA 23451

(757) 233-6855

Started by an ex New York chef whose experience and eclecticism show though in every dish. While the prices may be steep for the average deal seeker, the portions are huge and the dishes are world class.

Dish of Choice: The Cubano sandwich. A thick grilled shredded pork sandwich served with garlic sauce and extras including two kinds of plantain.

Mongolian Express

333 Waterside Drive, Norfolk, VA 23510

(757) 640-8616

 

Wow, we’ve arrived at the third Asian cheap eat. It seems immigrants from communist countries are naturals at keeping prices low. The staff at this waterside find is no exception with deals across the board from their Chinese style specials to their traditional Mongolian barbecue. Their achievement of this Zen like balance of high quality food and low cost is surely another victory for the proletariat. 

 

Dish of choice: The battered vegetables. I usually get the “fried rice platter” which is $3.25 and includes its namesake, fried yam and broccoli, and two deliciously greasy egg rolls.

Tortilleria LA Morena Inc

11710 Jefferson Avenue, Newport News, VA 23606

(757) 594-6099

This is the quintessential food find. Affordable, surprising, and delicious. Oh, and find me another Mexican restaurant that makes fresh tortillas daily!

Dish of choice: Their chicken tostadas are surely the best value. Classic tostada topped with three labored-over sauces.  The most complex Mexican dish I’ve had at only $1.75 each.

 

Letter to Dr.Dicker #1

Walking on Granby and found this letter.

Monday, Dec 1^{st , 2008}

From: The office of the Chief of Medicine Dr. Timothy Chow

To: Sr. Doctor William S. Dicker M.D.M.A.S.P.C.A M.P O.P.P

We regret to inform you of a complaint failed against you by a patient under your care. We also regret hiring you, keeping you on, nurturing you as a professional, giving you tenure and that lunch we had at the Saigon Palace. Dude, I need that 5.

Let me start by saying: breaking the news about a patient’s health is supposed to be the hardest part of our job as Doctors. Whenever the task is yours you treat the process more like a hidden camera or reality show. This is not the first of this kind of complaint we’ve received about you and we are seriously considering your suspension.

According to the complaint, at approximately 3:30 PM you walked into the room of an 8 year old patient named Gregory Hurtwell (or Cancer kid: a nick name you gave him long before his actual diagnosis). According to Mrs. Hurtwell, when you opened the curtain you were obviously involved in a deep and explicitly sexual cell phone conversation with someone she, “had no doubt was a lady of the evening” as money was discussed. When she politely asked if you had gotten the tests back you looked down at your clip board and your exact words were “Bro, you have like so much cancer.”

To your credit, you did hang up the phone when Mrs. Hurtwell started crying. You then, however, picked the child’s apple up from his dinner tray and started to eat it, assuring the child that he would be dead so soon that he wouldn't have enough time to finish it anyway. When his mother, quite rightly, asked you what the hell you were doing and additionally what you might be trying to prove you tersely explained that he had “…seriously, minutes to live…” and “…by the time the shock wears off it’ll be too late…”

At this point the child started crying fiercely and shifting around. One of the nurses described him as a spooked dog in a kennel. The exact and chilling translation from the original Tagalog was, “Dog in kennel of fate”. Here you grabbed the child, pulled his face “pedophilically” (mothers words again) close to yours and yelled “sike!”

This method of breaking news may, in theory, achieve the effect of softening news but in practice, out here in the real world Dicker, it is almost always the quickest way to get slapped with a malpractice suit. Never the less, we might have been willing to look the other way if it weren’t for the fact that young Mr. Hurtwell turned out to, in fact, have cancer. Somehow, and by somehow I mean as a byproduct of your incompetence, you had the wrong chart. The chart of a Mrs. Wu-ping.

This is your last chance. The whole Maverik Doctor thing is in fashion right now but it’s unrealistic to believe that you can make the kinds of decisions these television and storybook characters make without serious repercussions which may include jail time, bankruptcy, or death for you or the people you are sworn to help. Our rules are in place for a reason; time tested and well thought out. We have in place at our hospital myriad ways to change the system from even the lowest levels. These measures as you know include open lines of communication between upper management and every employee, suggestion boxes, drastically reduced stock options and our yearly retreats. So this is the last letter I’m going to send you that dosent result in your expulsion from this institution for good. So please, for the love of the Jesus, god, charley manson…whoever: just stop doing these things you do.

You know what I’m taking about,

Dr. Timothy Chow,

This was stuck to the back of it on a sticky note; written in crayon.

Dear Dr. Sanjay Ali…whatever,

Load yourself in a press break and get bent.

You know what I’m taking about,

Dr. Truth, the lifegiver AKA Willie Dicker.